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Why You Should Visit a Loved One With Alzheimer’s – Even if They Don’t Recognize You

There was a lady named Helen who had dementia. Every time her daughter, Heidi, visited Helen showed no sign of recognizing her daughter. Heidi was heartbroken. Time after time it was the same. She’d visit and get no response whatsoever, so finally she made the painful decision to stop visiting. It only upset her and she believed her mother felt no pleasure during her visits.

They May Recognize You but Not Be Able to Express it

It’s always possible, however, that your loved ones do recognize you but are just not be able to show it.

I had a personal experience which I believe demonstrates this. I volunteer to visit three ladies with dementia at a local memory care facility. One of the ladies I was assigned to visit was named Doris

Doris was so frail that just about the most I could do with her was sit and hold her hand. I also talked to her a little but she rarely said anything in response. In fact she rarely said anything to anyone. She showed no sign of recognizing me from my previous visits.

Then one day – during my sixth visit – as I was holding her hand she put her other hand on my arm and began caressing it. I had the distinct feeling that she remembered me. I don’t think she would have been so openly affectionate to a total stranger.

I wasn’t really surprised when I found out that Doris passed away just a few days after that visit. I was so happy I’d gone all those times and that she’d been so responsive during my final visit.

They May Remember How Often You Visit Even if They no Longer Remember Their Relationship with You

I was speaking at an Alzheimer’s family support group recently. A man there told me that he visited his wife, who had advanced-stage dementia, nearly every day even though she didn’t recognize him as her husband. He learned early on, however, that she knew when he’d missed a day. She’d always say, “You didn’t come yesterday.”  Once he realized that she did remember if he’d been there, he tried even harder to never miss a day.

They May Enjoy Being Visited, Even if They Don’t Know Who You Are

I had another personal experience which led me to this conclusion. Although I was fortunate enough that my loved one with dementia always recognized me, he had many visitors he didn’t remember. I was present during some of these visits and it was always perfectly obvious that he enjoyed spending time with them.

When these people were there he’d often hold hands with one of them the whole time. And he’d have a long, pleasant talk with them. It was perfectly obvious he was enjoying himself.

You May Feel Gratified That You’ve Given Them Pleasure

Although the main focus of your visits are your loved ones, you might find there’s an unexpected benefit for you, too. You may initially feel hurt or frustrated that they don’t remember you, but if you can get over that hurdle and if it was clear that they enjoyed the visit, you will probably feel gratified that you gave them that pleasure. You may remain in a good mood afterward, too.

Can anyone think of other reasons you should visit loved ones who don’t recognize you?

Marie Marley is the award-winning author of ‘Come Back Early Today: A Memoir of Love, Alzheimer’s and Joy,’ and co-author (with Daniel C. Potts, MD, FAAN) of ‘Finding Joy in Alzheimer’s: New Hope for Caregivers.’ Her website (ComeBackEarlyToday.com) contains a wealth of helpful information for Alzheimer’s Caregivers.

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One Response to “Why You Should Visit a Loved One With Alzheimer’s – Even if They Don’t Recognize You”

  1. Gerhild Somann from Stouffville ON Canada says:

    Dear Marie,
    Thank you for publishing your experiences which resonate with me completely. I have learned so much through the Alzheimer’s Reading Room and through a variety of books such as Creating Moments of Joy, Learning to Speak Alzheimer’s and On Pluto. Without all this I would have been like a babe lost in the woods. My husband is a late stage Alzheimer’s patient and until almost a year ago I cared for him at home until we hit a crisis that required hospitalization. The last few months at home were hell, sprinkled with stardust. Thanks to our loving relationship of 40 years and having been true partners in every sense, it goes without question that I am at his side virtually all the time. He can no longer sit unaided nor can he use his arms or legs, or really speak except for odd words or phrases which can be quite funny. He was always a fun guy and loved to laugh — this is what I find that holds it all together, my ability to touch the humor button even during frustrating moments such as brushing his teeth … but it is all worth it. Plus music that still touches him and so in the evening I would sing him a lullaby that he knew from his childhood — he always looks intently at my lips trying to hum along. Our love still holds us together and if I could not be there, I would miss him beyond words. Thank you for sharing. Sincerely, Gerhild Somann

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